My heart is broken.

I'm beyond devastated.

I know I'm supposed to celebrate the life that Michael Jackson had when he was alive, but I'm thinking.. what life?

Yes, part of the media frenzy was his own doing. His own freakshow, his own production and materialization. But wasn't part of it, just to garner attention? Attention he never had?

It saddens me that when I flip through news channels that talk about celebrating his life, people who cannot believe he is gone who believe he actually had a shot at a comeback he was amazing he was a musical genius he transcended pop music he this he that... where were they when he was accused of disgusting acts? Where were these people when he churned out album after album after the success of Thriller and Bad?
I woke up this morning to the news that he passed away. A part of me is still in disbelief. This man shaped parts of who I am, nursed and kissed my hurts and my pains, killed my own loneliness with his music, his voice cradled me to slumber.. his music, his essence his being the idea of him his theatrics his moves.. they were all there for me at times that no other person or thing could get close to me.

As funny as this will sound, this man was my dream person. When I was younger, I was so obsessed I'd imagine he'd be hiding in crevices of alleys, appearing only when I needed him to.. I know it sounds totally pathetic, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that.. I didn't just go grow on Michael Jackson and his music. He wasn't just my idol. He is the reason I am who I am today. He taught to be aware of myself, he taught me to sing, he taught me to move.

.. And it kills me that whatever opportunity that I had to capture his movements when he was alive isn't possible anymore. That any chance of breathing in his presence isn't available to me. Any hopes and dreams to soak in a conversation of his inspirations, his lonely outlook on his life, of our lives.. can only be a dream.

You know, he had an innate sense of injecting his loneliness in his music. With the notes he sings, the way each instrument plays out.. the way the guitar solos scream in your ears.. I can listen to the man for hours just marveling at his vocal prowess, the way he phrases his lyrics.. the beats he makes. At the time where children roamed about in playgrounds, or giggled about boys.. Michael was the place and the person I ran to. He became my playground. Taught me something new every single time I listened to him. Watched him. Read about him. I remember the ride in Disneyland, a simulation ride that starred Michael (the title of the movie escapes me now I'm sorry), and how I'd beg my parents to go again and again and again until I memorized all the lines to 'Another Part of Me'.

I loved this man.

I know it's a circle of life. It had to happen. I just think it's so cruel, how he's taken away before he was allowed the big comeback. I know deep down, everyone knew he couldn't make it he's much too frail too old too whatever.

.. I had faith. So much blind faith that he was going to make it.

So this is a shock. So while we should celebrate his life, tonight each tear I shed will be for his lonely life, for the loss of the world's musical genius.. and the profound sadness that we have lost someone so beyond talent, someone beyond amazing.. someone who was given God-like abilities to transmit so much emotions in his brand of music.

But.. with or without his death, I miss Michael Jackson every day.


I could only wish that his death will bring him some form of peace.